Angie’s Journey…

Hey buddies, as my title indicates, I’m well aware of my short comings on this whole weight loss thing. I have a confession to make…I have not been writing down my points (WW) for awhile now. That would be the reason that I am falling off plan so often. So what is my problem? Maybe poor planning. One thing that I did before that worked was to kinda rough out my meals for the day the night before, and kinda estimate my points per meal, etc.

So…on the food end…I need to make a point of writing down my points and being honest WITH MYSELF.

 On a slightly seperate but related note…I’ve recently had a revelation. People know I’m fat. They really do. They can tell by looking at me…and no matter what I wear, no matter how intelligent or cultured I may be, the very first thing people see about me is that I’m overweight. People assume I’m less intelligent than I am, much less busy, and generally worth less than they would if I had no weight issue whatsoever. OK, I know y’all are wondering where the heck I’m going with this.

Here it is folks…I think that before this situation with my son’s friend (which I blogged about yesterday–he called me fat), I somehow thought that I could “hide” or “minimize” myself in the public eye. That maybe if I behaved just so or dressed just so, maybe they wouldn’t see it. But they do…everyone does. People make assumptions about me because of the way my body looks, and hardly ever are they good ones. THAT, my friends, truly sucks. Because here’s the thing…and I hope you’re all sitting down for this.

I am one cool chick, LMAO. That’s right folks, I am seriously an alright person. Not only am I a great friend and devoted mom, I’m also a helluva wife and a reasonably nice daughter. LOL…I could go on and on but y’all get the picture. There are actually people in this world who would deny themselves the opportunity to know me because I am fat. Seriously.

Now, I’m not trying to get a big head here about my extreme level of coolness, don’t get me wrong…LOL. But what I’m saying is this…I believe that being overweight exposes us to the last “socially acceptable” form of prejudice, and I have constantly experienced it since becoming overweight…except that I have never, ever admitted it to myself in such a way until now. I am always trying to show people that I’m ok, that none of it bothers me, that DESPITE my weight, I am someone they want to know. But here, right now, I am forced to admit something to myself: MOST of the people in my life have at one point or another made some judgement about me simply based on my big fat ass. LMAO. I’m laughing so I don’t cry folks, but anyway…

So…bottom line for tonight’s blog…THIS is also a great motivator. In order to be seen for the person I am, I have to take off this big fat shell that is hiding her from the rest of the world.

Am I right? Can I get a WOOT!?!?! LOL.

Seriously buddies, thanks for all of your support this week. Hugs!

Hey buddies…it’s with a heavy heart that I begin my blog tonight. (No pun intended haha.) Anyway, I’m seriously feeling a bit sick to my stomach, and it’s not due to the stomach flu I had last week. Earlier tonight, my ten year old son was on the phone with a friend of his, and he had it on speaker. The boys were discussing every subject from Pokemon to video games to what they wanted to do when they grow up. And all of a sudden, this boy says to my son, “Cameron, is your mom fat?” And my poor baby says, “Why are you saying that dude?” So then the kid says, “Davion said your mom is fat. So is she fat?” So Cameron says, “No, she’s not fat….etc etc” and basically told the kid that if Davion said that again, he’d have to deal with Cameron.

At that point, I wanted to crawl in a hole for like ten years. So after Cameron gets off the phone, I told him that he shouldn’t worry about what other people said about me, to just ignore it, it’s just words, etc. (I don’t want him to get into trouble for trying to defend his fat mom lol.) Then my four year old, Noah, jumps into the discussion, telling me I’m fat, etc etc, because he truly doesn’t understand how hurtful that can be. The ten year old then defends me against the four year old, telling him that it hurts my feelings when he says that, etc. The four year old of course doesn’t get that concept and continues on. I just finally decided to ignore it…

So…of course this has been bothering me all night, and I don’t really know how to handle it. I don’t want to tell anyone, because LMAO I don’t want anyone to know that some kid said I was fat. Why? Do I really think that people can’t look at me and see this?

So, now my stupid body has caused my child some direct grief. And I’m sure it’s only a minute before it affects my four year old too. AND, let’s not forget, I’ve got my beautiful four month old daughter to concern myself with. She is only a baby now, but she is not getting any younger, and let’s face it, girls are way meaner than boys. So if her friends see me as “fat”, it will likely affect her in a more negative way…not to mention that she is going to have ME as her first female role model.

I cannot tell you the depth of which tonight’s events have affected me personally. I began to ask myself, what is it that causes me to continue to be self destructive? I know that I desperately want to lose weight and get healthier, but yet I continue to struggle with avoiding bad habits that keep me fat. I know what needs to be done, I’ve done it before. I do it some days, but lately, I’ve just consistently floundered. I have my Halloween goal, and that’s a good and fun goal. But still I struggle to stay on plan.

I am dealing with some situational depression at the moment, and have discovered certain things in my life that are contributing to that, but I am aware of the causes and they only motivate me more. I do know that I feel like I have little control over my time lately, because my daughter is quite high maintenance and requires a great deal of my attention, which is also divided with my two sons. I can’t even read a freaking book most of the time, much less do what I need to do for myself. I realize that these are semi temporary situations, in that Sophia will grow increasingly less dependent on me, and I am certainly taking the time to enjoy her and my sons while they’re young.

HOWEVER…here’s the hard part…I felt so hurt and so embarrassed, both for myself and for my son, when that boy said that about me. I actually apologized to my son for having to hear that about me. I also know that my son is quite aware of my weight problem, even though I’ve never done the negative self talk thing around him. I know too though that he loves me dearly and he wouldn’t cared if I weighed 500 lbs.

I just don’t even know how to process this. There is a part of me that wants to find the first crash diet I can get my hands on to just take off these next few pounds a little quicker, but you and I both know that it’s a senseless thing to do. Still, I guess what I need to do is find that place of determination and strength that I had found prior to getting pregnant with Sophia (when I lost the 50 lbs with you wonderful buddies cheering me on), and I need to move in there lol. So how do I do it? I am so desperate to find it again, that state of mind that I need to stay on track and stay focused. I need help. I don’t want my babies to be embarrassed of their mom. I am so proud of them…and I want them to be proud of me too. I will have to keep working through this over the next few days and try to get this all worked out…I love blogging, the therapy is great.

So buddies, I need all the help I can get. Any and all advice will be appreciated! Love to you all. xoxo

And I lost two pounds! LOL! So it’s not great, but it is on track for my Halloween goal of two pounds per week. This does not allow me to slack however, because it means I’m not ahead lol. Anyway, YAY for two pounds, and here’s to all of us having a super healthy day! Love ya buddies!!